Exposed

Today was a tad different than yesterday. Yesterday I blogged as if Mommy Life was complete bliss and that nothing is wrong with the world. But that is not reality. I wish yesterday had carried on for the rest of my life, with my cute little toddler behaving so perfectly.

Today was of the "I could burn my house down!!" and "Is there something I WON'T cry about today?!" variety. I am so freakin' tired. Yes hormonal with pregnancy, but also my 2 year old Eli wants something new to eat every 20 minutes. I can't simply lie around on the couch with his tirades. If I ignore him or say no, he'll scream bloody murder, so I cater. But then I look at him with big doe eyes and think "OMG, you are going to be in shock when your sister is born in a few months and I won't be able to cater to your every whim." Poor little guy, his whole world's gonna turn upside down. And hopefully for the better..?

So onto this morning's Dark Ages: the toilet is clogged- AGAIN. One of our toilets clogs every damn day. Yes I said "damn", because I wish I could say that's an exaggeration, but it's not. Ask my husband. He'll tell you about our toilet clogs and he doesn't exaggerate in the slightest. So as the water rose to the top, and I closed the lid, praying it would go down (hey, sometimes it does!), I then proceeded to take a nice quiet shower because Eli was watching a movie. As soon as I stepped out of the lovely shower, I saw him walk over and flush the toilet again.

So let me keep this next part of the story brief: I dropped my towel, exposing my pregnant nakedness, and ran to get 8 towels from the hall closet. On coming back into the bathroom, the water was everywhere. Ugh, disgusting- especially after taking a shower and feeling like a fresh mama, this was bad timing!

I sopped up the water, which Eli and I both had walked through. I won't go through all of the details but I was so out of control angry I went to throw a bathroom fixture out the back door in my anger. The strong Tri Cities wind blew the door open so fast that I am 99.9% sure that at least one of my neighbors saw me naked. I am mortified.

So I went to put on a bathrobe, which then turned Eli into a screaming monster who also wanted a bathrobe. But the bathrobes are too big, and then he yells and cries more so I just stood there not knowing what to do.

Soo, my morning was terrible. I was crying and crying. Eli didn't know what to think. I kept hugging him, but crying. In moments like those, I just want to hide away. I felt so ashamed. And it wasn't due to my nakedness (I got over that. Hey, at least a neighbor got an interesting day and story to tell if he or she saw the nakeds) but instead my anger was due to the spilled toilet water and endlessly crying toddler who I can't satisfy! I didn't want to talk to anyone. I thought "I can deal with this alone. I need to pray, or maybe I need to analyze and get a grip." But I just knew from past experience that I couldn't do that and feel whole!

So I did a hard thing- the opposite of my strong will- and called a few friends who I knew would listen to me. My friend Halley just listened quietly as she answered the phone and I started crying. I told her I was having a crap day. She really listened to me, and let me just be a mess. One of my friends, my "mom", Phyllis, laughed and laughed with me as I told her my whole story and especially at the "naked" parts of the story. I laughed so hard too that I was crying again, but this time tears of joy. My friend Melody and I talked when she called me to chat, and we had a heart to heart about the hard "mommy days". Halley brought me flowers at lunchtime as well as some curry chicken and milkshakes. Our boys played, and she and I talked intimately about life.

My whole day changed, and it's because I reached out to people who love me and accept me. I wanted to blog about this today because it is SO IMPORTANT to have safe people in our mom lives. People we can trust to let us be a mess, and people who can come to us when they're a mess and they can trust us too.

In our culture, it is so hard to have a group of friends or family who will just come around and support us. We are all separated in our little homes. We have to discern who our friends are, and ASK them to be there for us. They can't read our minds. I would have stayed holed up today with no one- if I hadn't been vulnerable and reached out.

Do you have so much pride you can't reach out and ask for help? Can you be vulnerable with a friend and share intimacy? If not right now and you've been lonely, it's time to reach out! But it's a journey, and it takes courage to step out. And you will get hurt- because some people aren't safe and you can't trust them. Then you navigate to new, safer friends who will listen and let you be yourself, if you open up.

Be encouraged and loved today, my friends! <3