2018: The Year of the Swimsuit

Every summer for my entire adult life I have been uncomfortable in a swimsuit. That is, on the rare occasion when I put one on. There were even several years when I was physically fit and probably looked nice in a swimsuit. But even that statement makes me mad, because who was I letting be the judge of how I look in a swimsuit?

In the past few years, I have been highly aware of about how many women have talked about their bodies in any and all conversations with me:

"Ugh, I'm a hot mess."

"Ugh, I need to lose weight badly."

"Ugh, I hate the way my body looks." (Yep, actually said to me)

It's not that my friends can't be honest, but it's really the most annoying thing to me that my friends don't see their beauty. They are beautiful! And I wish instead of them saying stupid shit and then me having to convince them of their beauty, I wish they could see their OWN freaking beauty, and own it. And stop talking about it for gosh sakes! We have so much more to offer the world. And I truly believe those thoughts hold us back from our true potential!

I love working out, but the main reason I quit Beachbody coaching is that people constantly wanted to share with me how horrible their bodies were. And that's not why I was coaching. I was coaching because I simply loved working out! I digress...

Back to swimsuits. Nowadays, I only follow "body positive" accounts online. Some of them actually annoy me as well, because it's that other extreme where I see obese women living it up and loving themselves. I mean, it can't feel good to never work out and eat 5000 calories a day, because health problems.

Despite all that, my brain is changing. There is a woman on Instagram I follow who claims to be a size 14--around my size. And she's wearing swimsuits every day, ya'll. At first I didn't care about all that. Then a month or so later I'm on her account and it hit me:

SHE IS WEARING THE CUTEST BATHING SUITS I'VE EVER SEEN in all of her posts. And she's not skinny! But she decided to wear them anyway because she only gets one life. She is done obsessing about her body.

The greatest thing is that she takes all these photos with her kids on the beach having fun in their bathing suits. I almost cried yesterday when I realized that I've been missing out on a whole lot of amazing swimsuits and fun with my kids swimming just because of my body image issues around bathing suits.

So this is my year. I am gonna buy a bunch of swimsuits and get swimming with my kids.

I still have hard days where I don't love the weight holding me down, but I am less extreme about fitness, and I sure as heck am not dieting anymore. And life is better.

I'm gaining weight and it's all good.

Trigger warning: This is a story about dieting and body image/shaming:

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I am not one of the typical women who was on diets as a teenager. Until I was 27 years old, I’d never counted calories or stressed about my weight. Granted, I didn’t eat very healthy or cook for myself, and I ate poor quality food with hardly any nutrition, which I believed played a huge role as to why I suffered with depression and other ailments such as low energy. I did love working out, especially as an adolescent, so I thought that made up for the poor nutritional side of my life.

My “infamous” story (that’s in quotes because I saw myself as something pretty special) is that I lost 60 pounds within a year after birthing my first son. I joined a weight loss program that strictly told me what to eat, eat 6 times per day, restrict calories, dessert is bad, and how to work out 6 days in a week.

As a former control freak, this was amazing. Okay okay, I’m still somewhat of a control freak, but my kids have changed me.

And Oh. My. God. I was in love with my before and after posts and telling other women they could do it too, and look at how amazing I am... Ick.

The thing about a success like losing 60 pounds, or losing any weight, is that it’s VISIBLE. What I mean is that almost every other type of success is internal. People can’t see it unless they ask or unless you brag about it. (Go ahead, that’s what social media is for! Tag me if you have an internal success so I can give you some love :))

And when you have had that success of weight loss and people congratulating you, and you decide to make money owning a business where you sell products to help people lose weight too...it becomes highly addicting. At least for me it was.

But then I got pregnant with baby #2. And this baby is now 3 years old. And her mom (ahem, me) lost the weight and then GAINED IT BACK within a few years.

When my now 3 year old was 1, I happened upon an amazing coach who did work helping women unravel why women are actually not able to lose weight and usually end up gaining weight because of this strict dieting. I was intrigued. And then I became this woman’s virtual assistant (more on this story in a different post).

Also, can I just say IT’S FREAKING NORMAL TO GAIN WEIGHT. It’s not normal for most women to stay the same size as they were in high school/early 20s. I don’t care what the heck you wanna say to me about that. If you pride yourself on being the same size as you were in high school, I am blaming your genetics. You did nothing special. Lol, but I still love you.

The past two years I have not counted calories. I have worked hard to not see food as good, or bad. I have not eaten a regimen of 2 to 3 hours.

And I damn well DO NOT follow dieters/fitness personalities on social media anymore.

Listen, I am 36 years old, and I am, despite my mother’s deep disapproval the few times I saw her, not a size 6 anymore. I am a size 14.

Last night I ate Olive Garden and delicious breadsticks, and I refuse to hate myself for it because today I will balloon up and my pants will be tight. Just kidding, I only wear leggings now- they rule.

I just wish now, that I could wear a t-shirt everyday that says the following:

“I am raising confident, capable, hard working kids who love Jesus and are kind. They also talk to me about everything and anything. I’m a size 14 but my kids are amazing, and I’m an amazing mom.”

Or this one:

“I’ve put in over 350 hours in 5 months studying for a medical billing certification. I am freaking smart and self-driven!”

Or this:

“I stopped mid-bagging my groceries at the store to go help a mom bag her groceries because she was stressed out with kids crying. I didn’t have my kids with me and I saw her need.”

Or:

“My husband and I gave money to a village in Africa last year, not realizing that a little girl would write us a thank you letter 6 months later about how she bought her first tiny mattress to sleep on and the village could plant more vegetables to sustain them, which made me cry for an entire day because God is good!”

Because THOSE THINGS MATTER MORE than your pants size. Women, we are amazing beings doing amazing things in the world. Why can’t we wear a bathing suit and just accept the size we are today?

Probs mostly because the diet industry loves making money. The last formal workout I did was 6 weeks ago. I literally QUIT the entire program because as I was mid-tricep workout, the trainer on the video said “No one wants to see your arm wings flapping in the wind, let’s GO!” I wanted to freak out on her and shut that video down. She doesn’t have children, and where does she get off telling me that PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE LOOKING AT MY ARM WINGS FLAPPING?!

More to come soon…

<3