This Isn't a Test Run.

Enjoying my life. I could sit all day and think about the renovations I want on my house. Our early 90's kitchen floor needs to be ripped out and replaced. I desperately want accent walls all throughout the house, new backplashes in the kitchen and all the bathrooms as well as new counters in all of them.

I would also love to do some work to the outside of the house, and I dream about having a walk-through garden with pretty little lights flickering on hot summer nights. I feel like I get overwhelmed by these thoughts. (I wonder if looking at Pinterest every day doesn't help!) When you have toddlers and are a stay at home mom, it is easy to think about the "what-ifs", and the thoughts can consume you. A dreamland of all the things you could do and all the ways you could express yourself in your home. Thoughts all-consuming, most likely because they are thoughts to distract from the daily grind of mommy duties.

I grew up with a mom who was a doer, a renovator. She loved gardening, home projects, perfecting her house. She always deep-cleaned. Most of the memories of my mom are seeing the back of her silhouette. Home projects were her escape. I could do that too.

I know that if I start the home renovations, I doubt that I ever be satisfied until the whole house is perfect. I scare myself sometimes. My husband knows I am an "all in or all out" type of person. If I start, would I stop? Would I be able to do renovate one part of the house and then stop to enjoy it?

This, I believe, is a next stage of growth for me. I am in the process of learning to enjoy one thing and feel satisfied. I don't want to ignore my family. And almost as significantly, I don't want to ignore my own health. I need to be relaxed and filled up so I can love myself and my family.

This isn't a "test run" of a life. This is my one and only. I think about the end. Will I care about the renovations and stress I put on myself? Or will I care about the love of my family life and the cultivation of it?


Jess